Wednesday, February 27, 2013


my bestie snarked at me for not blogging and i told her i wasn't inspired, but alas, it's wednesday and I will steal her so what wednesday....

~so what if we just had conferences with our eldest's teacher and it was amazing
~so what if she said that she struggles with him because he sees things as black and white - and doesn't bother to mess with them if he can't get all the way through them - he might be a little like his mom - the world could use a little less gray
~so what if i'm really mad at my employees this week and we're having a staff meeting tomorrow and i'll be HOT if any of them don't show up
~so what if I went out and removed snow with my hubby the last two days because I would rather shovel than go to the gym
~so what if i ate tasty tacos after tonight's "workout" and put back on whatever calories i took off
~so what if i straight up pissed my pants last i was all, "oh i have to pee..." went to stand up and WHAMMO - urine was pouring out of me like my water broke - shit! 
~so what if going to the dr isn't an option because i dont have health insurance and i'm taking an old person's approach by just drinking more water
~so what if i turned down a drug company on friday to be a part of their test group and actually told her that i can't trade clear skin for cancer
~so what if she didn't correct me (because she can't, because it's in the trial phases and they can't prove that it DOESN'T or COULDN'T cause cancer) and just said that she understood....!!!!
~so what if i spent too much money ordering from Lane Bryant - being mad at the size 10 models didn't stop me from dropping a few hundies on some new clothes
~so what if i'm SO.STINKIN.EXCITED. for my date night on Friday night.  so stinkin excited.  who knows, with the new wardrobe, we may not even make it outta the house....oh i know, that's silly, of course we'll make it out of the house, there are KIDS in the house - maybe i would be better off to say that we might not make it TO wherever we're going :)
~so what.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


as my waistband has expanded over the years my taste in clothing has moved with it.  gravity has taken it's toll on my never-a-single-digit-sized body and i feel like for the most part i have transitioned with a certain amount of grace.

i have been a lane bryant customer for the past decadeish and loved them.  why? because it felt like they were making clothes to fit me & by body style - not making clothes for someone who has no boobs, no hips and wears a size 4 and then patching in fabric in a coat-of-many-colors type way.  i loved when they moved to the Real Women movement.  giving women a sense that THIS is how a woman should look - she should have curves, she should have no reason to apologize for her appearance, she should embrace it, she should be confident and she DOES look fabulous.

lately lane bryant has made me crabby.  have you seen some of their models? 

Plus size luxury lace balconette bra

right.  i'm looking at her and thinking she is beautiful...but she is not a size 12-28

Full Figure Sequin stripe tank

or her.

i know that they believe they are using appropriate sized models - they have told me.  not kidding.  i emailed them a few years ago telling them that their models were becoming less and less like real women.  they protested assuring me that all of their models are size 12-28 ... i think they can get away with 12 because they sell size 12 underwear.  nevertheless, seeing models like THIS makes me flashback to the days of feeling like my size is an accident.  my size is ok - because they sell it - but i should be apologizing for it. 

i realize not every one of their models is like these girls - have you seen their jeans?  they REQUIRE an incredibly curvy figure (which i dont have that, either) - so since i was not born with child bearing hips and i don't fit into their 'just my size' box ... i really struggle to find jeans there, and i WANT to find jeans there.  the reward program is great and no one wants to have to leave to look for another place to shop just to buy their jeans.

Velvet pocket skinny jean by Lane Bryant

note the taper leg - i know it's in style now and i know they really want you to believe this is for sure the way to go - i just can't do it.  when i look at this picture i see this ginormus ass - like HUGE - and i'd bet it's not even that big, but with the bedazzling and the stilettos and tucked in shirt i can't get past it.

LUCKY for me, they developed the Just For You program where you can tell it how much you love and hate their pants that they pick - so me?  i hated every single tapered leg anything (for me, not for you, you can love and hate your own things) and i hated the jeans that have a CRAZY high waist ... and whammo, i got jeans that look like something i would try, buy and love.

Double stitch bootcut jean by Seven7

so while you'll never catch me with my shirt tucked in, this jean looks more like something i would find in my dresser right now.

so at the end of the day - will i still shop there?  yup.  do i think the models are getting ridiculous?  i sure do.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Math 101

numbers are tricky.  sometimes you add...sometimes you subtract...sometimes there is a minus in front of the total.  wait.  what?!

so for those of you who don't know - my family is not rich.  once upon a time i was all, "i could do this job and make money!"  and my bffbp (best friend forever business partner) was all, "totally!" and we were established.  we aren't a publicly traded company and she and i are 50/50 owners, so i dont have to disclose numbers, but i feel like since money is what i DO for the business, i should give a lesson for those who are confused by it.

how to do a budget:

1)  have a job or income source & know how much you ACTUALLY take home
2)  subtract your fixed expenses
3)  subtract your variable expenses
4)  look at the remaining number RIGHT THEN.  if there is a MINUS sign in front of the number, OR your calculator gives you a confused look/sad face OR if an emoticon pops up on your screen with a ROTFL guy who can't complete a sentence because he is laughing at your stupid ass SO HARD -- you need to go back and reassess the situation.

i know, i know.  there are times when your income source isn't always the same - i get that.  i'm self employed, so yeah, i totally get that!  money in can change from time to really are some ways to know when your money/cash flow MIGHT change:

1)  you called in sick & missed work
2)  you came into work late & missed work
3)  you took a long lunch & missed work
4)  you had something horrible happen & missed work
5)  you pretended something horrible was happening so you could leave & missed work
6)  you had a sick child & missed work
7)  you pretended you had a sick child & missed work
8)  you scheduled an appointment during your normal shift & HAD to go, so you missed work
9)  you have a class that you're behind in & the only way you can possibly catch up between rightthissecond & the due date of the homework (that has already passed) is to leave work rightnow so you can work on school related things (and update your facebook status perodically for good measure) & you miss work
10) any other instance - both real and fake - that would cause you to MISS WORK

this is because when you GO TO WORK, you make money. 

SO - if you are looking at your finances & wondering who FICA is and why they are taking all of your money consider that maybe ... just maybe ... it's less about FICA & more about you.  consider that there is a possibility that when your finances reflect a sad, sad, saaaaadddd situation for yourself - you should work more.  like, as many hours as you can sneak in without your boss realizing it and actually going into overtime (if they are smart, they'll notice on like wednesday morning that you're going to hit overtime, but if they don't - shush - work the overtime and get paid 50% more for doing the exact same job that you are willing to do for your normal pay rate).

i predict that doing this will result in a surpluss after the bills are paid!  in that instance, yay for you.

disclaimer:  having a surplus will make you FEEL like you have money & like you don't need to go to work.  those are the same people who get their tax return and quit their job because suddenly there is money in your checking account.  don't be stupid.  keep going to work.  keep working the hours.  if you can't possibly drag your ass to work because you're miserable, not stimulated, underpaid, under-appreciated, etc - update your resume & find a new job where they will think you're fabulous until you have raced through the above-referenced list three or four times. and i'm sure you will.  because you suck.

Friday, February 8, 2013


have you met my husband?  probably not.  he's great.  really, really great.  i know some people treat their spouse as if they are doing them a favor by being with them, and i know that women who have children will constantly make jokes about how useless their spouse is in an array of given situations...that is not my spouse.

my spouse will get three kids ready, take them to daycare, and get to work by 8 am.  he will let them dress themselves, which would make most women freak out - he gives them their independence.  granted, there have been days i have pulled apart three shirts when doing laundry because our middle child is REALLY into layering these days...but they are all up, happy and cared for.  my eldest forgot his snow gear for school - it was the first thing he told me when he got home.  as i opened my mouth to snark at my spouse, he told my eldest that it's his gear, his responsibility -- and he's never forgot since then.

my spouse will come home and do whatever needs to be done because he lives there too.  there was once a time where i felt like i was carrying everything and like i was working two jobs plus carrying everything at home and we have completely resolved that issue.  he will toss in a load of dishes, recruit any children who haven't made themselves scarce to help pick up the house and has recently started offering them a dime for help.  so when my eldest vacuums and picks up his laundry and brings any dishes to his father and feeds and waters the animals he becomes the proud recipient of a dollar.  that would make most women freak out - a 6 year old vacuuming?!  he couldn't have done a very good job.  my husband is teaching them money comes from working but that sometimes we all pitch in to get it done faster.  he's teaching them to be accountable for their own actions - he will constantly repeat that if they don't want to clean, they should clean as they play.

my spouse will get on the floor and play with them.  rarely legos, rarely a board game, but will always wrestle, chase and tickle them until they are about to pee their pants.  he will move from a standing or sitting position to the floor and he will have a dog pile three boys thick within three minutes - guaranteed.  he is teaching there is always time to play & reminding them that he has time for them, that he loves them.

my spouse will stop them from disrespecting their mother faster than i can form the words.  if i cooked, everyone eats it.  if you are going to throw a temper tantrum, you are welcome to go to your room and come back when you're calm.  if you disagree with something and can't talk about it in a rational manner, you should come back when you can.  if your mother has asked you to do something, you better make sure it's done before she asks you twice.  if you had the gall to utter a curse word (and my kids do), you better make it worth it, because there will be a punishment.  he is teaching them to respect a woman and to have some respect for themselves, not because i'm their mother, but because when you love some body you have no business making them feel less than -ever.  for one second.  additionally, as an adult - you need to learn how to pull yourself together. 

my spouse will call bullshit when warranted.  he isn't afraid to ask his father not to speak to his mother in a derogatory manner (in front of his children or otherwise), he isn't afraid to tell someone no, he isn't one to put his family on the back burner, and of the two of us, he is the one who has encouraged religion over the course of our marriage. he tells me he loves me, he reminds me that i'm  beautiful and he knows how hard i work and why i do what i do when i do it.  he can predict the outcome of a situation because he KNOWS me.  he knows what i'll say, how i'll react, where my head went even if my words went somewhere else.

my spouse will take sick kids to the doctor, tell them the symptoms, and like me - normally has the diagnosis correct before we set foot through the doors.  he will be up with a sick kid and still up for life the next day.  he can manage money and is involved in every aspect of any future that we are planning, together & i would consider myself so lucky to be involved in his future.

he has been kicked down a time or two - hard...and he stands back up fast and comes back smarter, with a wider stance.  he is smart, he is talented and he is my best friend. 

There is a song that the Dixie Chicks sing - and part of the lyrics say:

And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me

i sing this song all the time because it reminds me of him.  He just ... takes care of me - even though i don't need him to.  i really dont, i'm not that girl who would ever NEED that - but having it is so nice... he literally gives me exactly what i need when i need it.  i love him and can't believe we're rounding our 9th year of marriage, 13th year of dating.  i am so lucky.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


i have really great friends.  my circle of best friends require much less filtering and i LOVE that they are so great.  i like that they can just seeeeeee my words before they come out of my mouth.

yesterday i had lunch with breigh.  we went to applebees.  it was yummy.  the waiter was so sweet, he was nice, and cordial and appropriate and asked about her twin boys and wanted to know (and remember) their names, and he checked in on us numerous times during the lunch to make sure that we had a pleasant experience.  sounds great right!?  here's how it really went:

waiter:  HI THERE!!!!!!!  WELCOME TO APPLEBEES!!!!!!  OHHHHHH what's YOUR name!?
breigh:  this is luke & this is max
waiter:  HI LUKE!!!  HI MAXXXXXXXX!!!!  Well, welcome ladies!!!  OUR soup of the day is broccoli and our dessert is brownie bites!!!!!!!!  Can I get you lovely ladies started with a drink?!  
me: water.
breigh: water would be fine

he disappears

breigh:  wow, he's really nice!
me:  what a douche.  why is he asking your kids names.  that's stupid.  he doesn't need to know their names to do his job, so that entire conversation was pointless and names him look like a pedophile.
breigh:  HOLLIE!

she's right.  i'm snarky.

today, i grabbed bagels for our hard working employees.  little shout out to bruggers for not getting snippy when i asked that they cut the bagels for us.

i was pasting cream cheese on my bagel and an employee came up to clock in.  here's how that went:

her: good morning!
me:  good morning!  help yourself to a bagel!
her: hey - did you want to try a body by vi shake?
me: ....uhh.....what's that?  (...not looking up from my cream cheese)
her: it's a shake, it's SO good.  it's a whey protein shake.  some people use to to build muscle, i use it to trim the fat, but it's so good because one can will like last you for a year!!
me:  oh.  ok. 

i walked into the office and shut the door with a look on my face that made mandy bust up laughing.

joke's on her.  that cannister would last me 5 years because i wouldn't eat it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


i'm stealing sww from my bestie who has successfully plunked it out on her kindle for the past few weeks because her computer committed suicide ... we'll talk about those and other first world problems another day.

sww stands for so what wednesday. 

so what if i'm halfway through my 32 ounce pepsi - thanks quick trip
so what if i'm dreaming, every night - assuming that's the medication
so what if i'm rounding my 9 year anniversary - and it seems unreal to me
so what if i'm losing my sympathy for people who seem to continually be struggling - you don't continue to struggle.  you continue to make bad decisions. there is a difference.
so what if the words "i have so much laundry to do" come out of my mouth on a daily basis - perhaps i should get off of my ass and actually DO the laundry.
so what if i have a hard time keeping a straight face when my two year old snaps "NO MOMMA" at me.
so what if my favorite part about this blog is that no one has found it.

Monday, February 4, 2013

yeah, yeah

i am so bad at blogs.  so bad at them it hurts.

i love reading them and i think most of my friends have blogs.  so why wouldn't i, right? 

ever think that's how people view relationships, kids, marriage?  most of my friends are getting married - so should i.  most of my friends are having kids - so should i.  um.  most of your friends have money and common sense too - does that mean you'll start budgeting and pull your head out of your ass in order to take time to apply a small sense of logic to your life?  probably not.

i find that i want to blog when i'm frustrated - which, if you are in a close circle of my friends you would find that this 'frustrated' is more often than not.  i'm not a hateful or negative person or anything and i dont think of myself as deep and dark and jaded.  i was once told by a psychic that i actually do love people, i just don't like them a lot.  that resonated with me. 

so here goes - february 4th and i'm on the blogging bandwagon.  you're so skeptical - and you should be.