Monday, August 25, 2014

Me and Schmiegel

Make no mistake about it - I am not referring to the actual F word.  The four lettered one that no one REALLY needs to say.  I'm referring to Facebook.  I still love the real F word.

I had quite the realization the other day regarding my relationship with Facebook.  I loathe and love Facebook.  I am always annoyed that it tells me about people that I don't even care about, and I'm even more annoyed when it doesn't tell me about people I do care about.  A friend of mine, that I haven't talked to one time, since the 9th grade had a baby and I didn't even know she was pregnant.  Way to go Facebook.

I have been riding quite the emotional rollercoaster as of late and as a self-aware person, it was really easy to hone down and toss out the parts that clearly wasn't helping matters.  Facebook.

First, lets back up and opt for some real-talk.  I have been having a hard time with myself as far as my friends & family is concerned (author's note:  my family for the purposes of this entry is defined as anyone related to me or my husband, not just my side of the tree).  

I feel a twinge of emotion when I realize how stressed my relationship is with them, and just as soon as that twinge comes, so does my inner Schmiegel, my inner Schmiegel is a real wench and she doesn't let ANYTHING go.  

She gets mean, and she gets evil and she tells me things or reminds me of things to stop me from being hurt - she means well.  The thing is, my inner Schmiegel isn't protecting a gold ring - crouched to the ground, holding it so tightly, calling it precious.  On the contrary, she is protecting my heart.  And folks... my heart is precious.

Over the last several months I have no longer been able to scroll through a news feed and browse.  I have felt rejected, hurt, jealous and left out far more than a person should.  

I'm sure it's happened to you too, right?  Ohhh, sure it has, I'll give you some examples:

  1. You ask someone to do something and they are too busy, but then they are Instagraming the crap out of their life that includes everyone but you.   
  2. You ask someone to do something and they are always too strapped financially, but are rocking tickets to the latest greatest thing, or vacationing somewhere magical, or talking about what a great deal they got on {insert anything that couldn't possibly have actually been a good deal here} and still 
  3. You are constantly hearing from people how they never see you anymore, and they think you're kidding when you tell them that the interstate runs both ways
  4. You ask someone what their plans are and they tell you nothing, but what they meant to say was, "nothing with you" 
Things like that.  I stopped scrolling and I started scrutinizing - I tried to talk to my friends and family about it, but it's really hard when they see all of those types of things as sheer coincidences.  

It was making me crazy.  I wasn't about to cry or anything, because it didn't seem like the appropriate emotion.  Schmiegel seemed to agree with me.  Anger and resentment replaced most of the emotions that I was feeling before.  Along with two middle fingers held high for everyone to see.  Those are there for the visual, but I wasn't really doing that...I just wanted to, really bad.  It was how I was handling everything internally.

So - I had a talk with my husband, I wrote a GIANT letter to one of Schmiegel's biggest offenders to sort my thoughts out and it hit me as I was writing out the list of horrible things the offender had done to me and Schmiegel that NONE of these things would be something I would have known anything about without Facebook.

I had a talk with Schmiegel's offender - a long talk but a healing talk and told them that I would be quitting Facebook - at least for awhile, because it really was the root of the events that triggered the horrible emotions.  

I was initially met with some opposition from friends, family and Schmiegel, but I'm rounding out 72 hours and doing ok.  I couldn't actually deactivate my account, because it hooks me to a game that my husband and I play together - but I deleted it from my phone and hope that I don't log in for long enough that I have to request a new password.

See, the thing is, I can't be wrapped up in 300 stranger's lives - because I have some pretty great things going on at home in my real life.  The life that doesn't require a signal or internet connection.  I know that this is how some people keep in touch with me or keep up with my boys growing like weeds, but really - that's a bullshit copout.  If you don't see them often enough to WATCH them grow and EXPERIENCE some of the funny shit that I get to experience on a daily basis, then it's your loss.

For my loved ones reading this, please know that I'm not angry.  Schmiegel and I are both just hurt and tired and I don't need kind words and empty promises - it makes Schmiegel work frantically to protect my heart - it's her one job and she'll come out swinging before she lets you continue to hurt me.

If you have friends that you would rather be spending time with than me, then you should be with them & I'll find new friends.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  I think you make time for people and plans that are important to you - and right now, my heart is too tired and weak to keep doing it for people that aren't willing to do the same for me.  

I will tell you this ... it's hard and insulting to realize that life goes on whether or not I post to Facebook.  Turns out the world CAN go on without my funny, witty, opinionated insight and comments each day .... lol .... who knew!?

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