Monday, May 13, 2013

The Percocet Poo

I have been an avid supporter of massages/backrubs since I was a teenager.  It wasn't about an excuse for some boy (or girl) to touch me, it wasn't about something sexual, it wasn't because I wasn't hugged enough as a child - I just LIKE being massaged.

I think we are so hard on our bodies and we never realize it because we rarely take the time to let ourselves relax long enough to realize that we're sore.

I have a lady, Karmen.  She's wonderful.  I have been seeing her since November of 2010 and have LOVED her.  I don't cheat on her.  She is a genuinely wonderful person!  She is thorough, she actually cares about what you say, she listens, talks, and even prays with you before the session (if you're me).

Anyway, she has been begging me to let her try a stomach massage out - said something about if my lower back is ALWAYS bothering me, it could be because my ab muscles (haha.) are too tight and by elongating them it will relieve the persistent back ache that every MD has told me was because I'm not skinny and I don't have small boobs.

So this time around, I told her we'd give it a go.  I also told her that my bladder/kidney has been feisty and has been trying to be infected for awhile now - and I would've gone to the doctor, but I don't have health insurance...so...homeopathic, right!?

She is excited.  She tells me all about how she will use Shiatsu massage to help with the kidney and bladder and I'm all for it.  I'm not all for the stomach part, but that's simply because it's a whole lotta surface area and I don't like to think about the amount of lotion that would be involved in moistening that quantity of flesh. 

SO - she's working on my feet, kidney one and kidney two.  and working on other meridians - and i'm like, "holy lord, what is THAT and why does it feel like my bone just popped through my skin!?!"  she is laughing, because I may be exaggerating - and she's telling me that this is my liver meridian, my whatever, my whatever else and we're still on my feet here people.  I don't have sensitive feet.  At all.  I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin and hide in a corner!!!

Eventually, she proceeds with the rest of the Swedish/Shiatsu massage and I'm re-freaking-laxed.  It was amazing!  Then she drapes a sheet over my chest and starts working on my stomach.  It was nothing like I expected, didn't feel weird at all, but she was working with my breathing and was getting pretty deep in the fat tissue and I was pretty relaxed. 

Now, she DID ask me if I have any issues with constipation or IBS or anything like that, and I don't.  I thought it was odd that she was asking me, until yesterday afternoon, when I had what I affectionately call the percocet poo.  (percocet is a fabulous pain killer they give you post csection to help with pain, only bum deal is that it is a HUGE constipatory, so by the time your stool softners get the memo your first REAL poo post csection is almost as big as your baby was...no?  just me?  oh, okay - my bad).    I ALMOST called Travis in to look at it, I was so proud of myself!!  Don't judge me.  I thought that was kinda cool at the time, less cool I've had three more percocet poos in the last 24 hours.  I'm pretty sure I shat out food I ate in the second grade.  I was floored.

My biggest regrets (surrounding this massage) involve:
~ not weighing myself before the massage to be able to compare the numbers
~ not having the stomach massage sooner
~ not taking ibuprofen post massage - it's been 48 hours and I feel amazing but am SUPER sore in SUCH a good way (like when you have amazing sex all night long and you feel like walking is too much work for the next day or two)

Having said that - whatever she did with my meridians worked.  No more bladder issues and I wouldn't lie about that.  Also, I have been CRAVING water - yay for my guts/body/soul/weight issues.

1 comment:

  1. This post needs a warning label.. either that or Poise pads needs to sponsor your blog because this was so funny I nearly peed my pants! I love you and your Percocet poops!

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