Watching Weight

I have never really dieted - and it shows. 

I had a physician one time that I LOVED tell me, "Hollie, you either live to eat or you eat to live"  that was 5 years and 50 pounds ago, when I was considered 20-25 pounds overweight.

I have spent roughly six of the last eight years pregnant or nursing and told myself that it was pointless to focus on my weight while I was pregnant or nursing ... now?  Unless God has another plan for Trav and I, we are done having kids.  We have a 7 year old, a 5 year old and an almost-3-year-old - they are beautiful creatures who are happy and healthy and cared for...he and I? we are unhealthy and overweight.

step one:  Drop soda. 
step two:  Start Weight Watchers  (*gulp*)
step three: Buy a scale (tonight on amazon, because I have gift cards at home)
step four:  Weigh, Measure, Modify and repeat

Notice how I don't have exercise on there?  My company pays for a gym membership for my entire family.  Exercise isn't going to fit into my life right this second.  I'm going to focus on this part, because that same doc who gave me those fabulous words to live by also mentioned that while exercise is important for your organs and you will burn calories in the process, if you can only focus on ONE area, start with diet.  So I am.

I'm nervous to hit publish because it seems like people will constantly be scrutinizing me for just putting it out there, but I feel like publishing it will also add an accountability factor that might help me to look back and see where I'm at.  

Mortified.

So, Monday at baseball, Aaron had a mellllllllttttt down.  You've seen the kind...where at first, you're annoyed at the kid's mom because if she was a better parent, she would have reeled that child in, and redirected him and he would be sitting calm and patient waiting for his brother to finish up his hour long baseball game that started 4 minutes ago...but then by the end of the game you're about in tears for the mom because she's clearly doing the best that she can based on the circumstances.

Anyway, I finally timed out and took him to the car, under my arm - kicking and screaming all the way to my mini van.  don't be jealous.

We had parked at the back of the field, and Austin went with me and Aaron. Travis was collapsing our four camping chairs and fitting all four back in that iddy biddy bag that comes with it.  Aden got done with his game a few minutes later and headed to the car.  Like any other soccer mom, I pushed the button to open my not so fancy 2006 Chrysler Town & Country's doors and they gracefully open.  This little boy walks behind Aden and takes a long look in our mini van.  His eyes get wide, his jaw drops, and he hardly utters, "woah.  your car is messy, messy, messy"  I give him a look that tells him to shut his pie hole and push my button to shut the door.  He reaches his hand out right as the door is about to make it's signature whirring sound (to seal me and my family in our safe haven of mess) and grabs the handle.  The door, with its incredible safety features opens back up because it doesn't know that I don't want it to stop for anyone's limb at this point.  He continues, "why do you have all of that stuff in your car?  shouldn't it be in your house?  it looks really, really gross in there"  I push the button again, the door closes because I snarkily tell the kid that it's not nice to touch things that aren't his.

Mortified.

Little Shit.

On Tuesday someone in the world of baseball thought it was a SWEET idea to schedule Austin for a double header - "TWO hours of baseball right in a row, Mom" so I didn't have time to address the van in all of its awesomeness.

Wednesday, I took my dad to cardio-rehab and made it a point to tell him, before he told me, that I'm cleaning out my van after work.  I cleaned it out and probably lost more weight doing that than any workout on a treadmill - haha - well, theoretically, since i don't work out on the treadmill - just ask my jowels and gut.

Either way, this morning I finished and it's beautiful - smells great, is clean and the only THINGS in there are: Sunblock, spare Pull-ups, four camping chairs (because the 5th person is always IN the game and doesn't need a seat), a giant, oversized umbrella that has a stake that goes into the ground so I can shield my albino babies (and self) from the sun anywhere we go, 5 cd's and a cell phone charger.   There are also 3 yak-sacks that I snagged the last time I was at Methodist West ER because there are AMAZING and at the time, Austin was puking every 15 minutes.

I would love to finish with some make-you-jealous line about how there will be no more food/fast food/cups/gatorade bottles/spare clothes/a partridge/a pear tree in my vehicle, but it's not going to happen.  I have three kids and a BUSY life.  You may not see it as an excuse, but to that I would offer you the opportunity to suck my big toe.  And my big toe, dear friends, is a lot more G rated than what I was going to tell you to suck.

So for the kid on Aden's baseball team who has a mommy with a clean car, good for you.  Judge me again, and make my kid feel sad about the words your filter failed to absorb, and I'll tell you the real reason that your mommy has a clean car is to impress her boyfriend not her husband. 

The Percocet Poo

I have been an avid supporter of massages/backrubs since I was a teenager.  It wasn't about an excuse for some boy (or girl) to touch me, it wasn't about something sexual, it wasn't because I wasn't hugged enough as a child - I just LIKE being massaged.

I think we are so hard on our bodies and we never realize it because we rarely take the time to let ourselves relax long enough to realize that we're sore.

I have a lady, Karmen.  She's wonderful.  I have been seeing her since November of 2010 and have LOVED her.  I don't cheat on her.  She is a genuinely wonderful person!  She is thorough, she actually cares about what you say, she listens, talks, and even prays with you before the session (if you're me).

Anyway, she has been begging me to let her try a stomach massage out - said something about if my lower back is ALWAYS bothering me, it could be because my ab muscles (haha.) are too tight and by elongating them it will relieve the persistent back ache that every MD has told me was because I'm not skinny and I don't have small boobs.

So this time around, I told her we'd give it a go.  I also told her that my bladder/kidney has been feisty and has been trying to be infected for awhile now - and I would've gone to the doctor, but I don't have health insurance...so...homeopathic, right!?

She is excited.  She tells me all about how she will use Shiatsu massage to help with the kidney and bladder and I'm all for it.  I'm not all for the stomach part, but that's simply because it's a whole lotta surface area and I don't like to think about the amount of lotion that would be involved in moistening that quantity of flesh. 

SO - she's working on my feet, kidney one and kidney two.  and working on other meridians - and i'm like, "holy lord, what is THAT and why does it feel like my bone just popped through my skin!?!"  she is laughing, because I may be exaggerating - and she's telling me that this is my liver meridian, my whatever, my whatever else and we're still on my feet here people.  I don't have sensitive feet.  At all.  I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin and hide in a corner!!!

Eventually, she proceeds with the rest of the Swedish/Shiatsu massage and I'm re-freaking-laxed.  It was amazing!  Then she drapes a sheet over my chest and starts working on my stomach.  It was nothing like I expected, didn't feel weird at all, but she was working with my breathing and was getting pretty deep in the fat tissue and I was pretty relaxed. 

Now, she DID ask me if I have any issues with constipation or IBS or anything like that, and I don't.  I thought it was odd that she was asking me, until yesterday afternoon, when I had what I affectionately call the percocet poo.  (percocet is a fabulous pain killer they give you post csection to help with pain, only bum deal is that it is a HUGE constipatory, so by the time your stool softners get the memo your first REAL poo post csection is almost as big as your baby was...no?  just me?  oh, okay - my bad).    I ALMOST called Travis in to look at it, I was so proud of myself!!  Don't judge me.  I thought that was kinda cool at the time, less cool I've had three more percocet poos in the last 24 hours.  I'm pretty sure I shat out food I ate in the second grade.  I was floored.

My biggest regrets (surrounding this massage) involve:
~ not weighing myself before the massage to be able to compare the numbers
~ not having the stomach massage sooner
~ not taking ibuprofen post massage - it's been 48 hours and I feel amazing but am SUPER sore in SUCH a good way (like when you have amazing sex all night long and you feel like walking is too much work for the next day or two)

Having said that - whatever she did with my meridians worked.  No more bladder issues and I wouldn't lie about that.  Also, I have been CRAVING water - yay for my guts/body/soul/weight issues.

The House of the Half Assed

I live in a house where majority of our projects and lifestyle changes are half assed.  We, as a family, have become quite efficient at shit-shifting our lives.  Do you know what shit-shifting is?  It's when you focus intently on ONE PART of your house/life/career and clear all of the clutter from that ONE spot and it looks nice, but in reality all you did was cluttered up other areas of your life.  So I might shit-shift on my main floor, but rest assured my upstairs and basement is DISGUSTING.  I might shit shift and become better about going to the gym and working out, but then find that my relationships with my kids suffers - or my house falls apart because I get tunnel vision. 

When we toured our house before we bought it, it was immaculate!  Even with whatever amount of clutter existed from two people living there for 50+ years and raising their four children there (who are now grown adults) the home was immaculate.  Every wall white, every nook and cranny cleaned.  Each piece of furniture was a solid 20 years old and it didn't matter because they were still in pristine condition.  Bill & Helen took care of this house.  They loved this house.  The basement had file cabinets lining the walls and they were packed to the brim (yes, i checked - shut it) - they had a strawberry patch in the back yard with a hollow owl to scare away squirrels.  Everything was immaculate.  They could fit two, yes TWO cars in their garage.  at the SAME TIME.

We moved in and basically shat on it.

We brought an 18 month old and a 3 1/2 year old in and then, just for fun added another baby like a year later.  With babies come bottles, pump accessories, dishes, toys, laundry, and chaos.  Before I knew it, my house came to life.  My laundry haunts me like a bad memory that I continue to relive via my dreams.  My pristine 3000 square foot house that literally has 16 rooms if you count the bathrooms has turned on me.

Do you know how AWFUL it is to clean THREE bathrooms?!?!  I do.  I avoid it like a cat avoids a bath.  But GAWD the smell is horrible.  Little boys pee EVERYWHERE and NEVER flush.  I may or may not have looked into the automatic flushing toilette that would eliminate the problem entirely.  They are banished from using MY bathroom but that doesn't fix the pocket bathroom on the main floor and *gulp* their bathroom.

Do you know how much CARPET is in a 3000 square foot house!?  It's STUPID.  My Dyson is about to flip me the bird after I've emptied the canister like three times - and to be clear, I only empty the canister when I hear Tarv yelling at me about it.  Then I make a snarky comment about how if HE is the canister expert he should handle the vacuuming and generally follow with an insult about what a douche he's being.

Any thoughts about how much "better" and "easier" life gets when the boys get older is a wives tale.  Trust me, that theory will hold as much water as a macaroni strainer.  Wanna know what actually happens!?  They get bigger, their clothes get bigger, their appetites get bigger, their brazen behavior gets bigger, their messes get bigger.  What used to take me 10 minutes to pick up myself now is a 45 minute argument with two perfectly capable children about how it's not my mess, it's theirs, and they need to learn responsibility now or they never will.  Followed by me having the worlds biggest internal conflict with myself because they are little kids, and I could just let them be and do it myself and it'd be done right and no one would be fighting.  Then I'm all over the place about which is better - teaching them responsibility if that means spending time arguing with them or letting it go and risking having ridiculous habits to break down the road. 

Austin throws these temper tantrums that are so big, so grand, so angry, littered with negativity and at times curse words - truthfully, I've only seen erratic behavior like that come from one person - me.  Aden would rather watch TV than do ANYTHING, he's convinced that anything else is boring and that he doesn't want to get up, at all, ever, for anyone - I've only seen behavior like THAT from one person - me.  They both leave their crap everywhere - they both never finish what they started working on, they both leave dishes, snack remnants, laundry EVERYWHERE.  Guess who they learned that from.  Yep, me. 

I am having a hard time with this one because I see it & while I'm perfectly content with where I am in my professional career - I'm REALLY struggling.  Not to mention, not everyone can pull off this behavior quite like I can.  Not everyone can pull off a hot temper and seemingly lazy housekeeping skills and survive.  Somewhere along the lines, I learned restraint - truthfully, I have to be pushed PRETTY FLIPPIN FAR to react like austin reacts.  What makes me nervous is that I didn't act that way when I was 7.  I didn't come into that until later on in life - so what happens for him?    Same with Aden - I have always loved TV - and I'm obese.  I don't want that for him.  He is already incredibly susceptible to that for the simple fact that Trav and I are overweight.  I realize I was never SKINNY, and he doesn't seem to have the body type to be SKINNY - but is that really reason enough to write it off?

I haven't mentioned much of Aaron in this post because he's still so young - early predictions say he'll have a temper like Austin me but will be constantly on the go like his father...which, by the way - didn't protect Trav from obesity either.  As a thirty-something adult he is VERY active, struggles with weight because the fact of the matter is, changing your diet is hard.

I'm tired of having things half assed.  I'm tired of being halfway done with everything.  It's not fun.  On the back side of this blog I made some check lists or goals that I'm going to TRY to accomplish in efforts to be a better example for my kids AND maintain a balance while I'm making changes....  Bonus - maybe it'll give me some blogging material for the future!  Here's hoping.

Austin Turns SEVEN

My Austin is Seven Today....here are the things I know about Austin:

~  you love hoodies
~  you love supercross - you will watch old dvr'd races and will wage a war against Aden when he has the audacity to suggest watching a cartoon
~  you are smart.  so smart.  you are such a logical thinker, just like your parents
~  you wont do anything if it doesn't benefit you in some way - you want money, a reward, an outcome that will get you closer to a goal of some sort
~  you are your Daddy's boy - he has you by his side during EVERYTHING because it's literally like a mini version of himself chilling with him
~  you love legos - you build all the time and though you have a hard time letting your creative side come through, you are getting better at it and you enjoy it more and more
~  you need down time.  you need alone time.  you will get really, really overwhelmed and ANGRY if you don't get the time you need when you need it.
~  you start soccer and baseball in a couple weeks and are really excited - daddy and i are excited too!
~  you have my blue eyes - the only one who kept my eye color!
~  your best friends from school are Logan and Owen - your best friends in home life are Sam and Cam - your best friend in family life is Ava - you are planning to marry Stella and I hope you do :) 
~  you get SO excited about going to MN to visit Cass & Jon and the girls!! 
~  you love your grandparents and have an amazing relationship with your Grandma Jane - it's crazy to watch you two connect so well
~  you sing a lot to the radio
~  you ask if words are bad words all the time (sexy, stupid etc)
~  you curse when you're mad - you called your friend a bitch two days ago & got in more trouble for lying to me about actually saying it ... dont lie to your mom, man...
~  you are into whatever your dad is into - currently rollerhockey! 

What I remember about the day you were born:

~  I was nervous and SO excited at the same time
~  I went to the doctor the morning of the 27th because I was having pretty bad back pains and they said my blood pressure was pretty high so they would just send me over to the hospital and induce me the next morning
~  I hated pitocin.  your wife will too.
~  I loved the doctor who gave me the epidural - he was nice and kind and considerate
~  I was terrified when Dr Osborn told me I wasn't dilating - a c-section wasn't even something I researched let alone something I wanted to have
~  I was being wheeled to the operating room and my parents were there and I was so sad because i felt like your dad's parents would be upset and because I wanted time to just have my family of three - all by myself.

What you wanted for your birthday:

~  a trampoline
~  rollerblades
~  lego gold mine edition
~  bey blades

What you got for your birthday:

~  roller blades (they were really expensive and you got them early because your grandparents bought you accessories/pads/helmet for them and we didn't want them to give it away - you haven't stopped wearing them ALL over the house, you're ruining my carpet and I don't even care)
~  a swimsuit cover / hooded towel type thing

I love you, I love your personality.  I love that you call people (even your dad and I) out on our bullshit.  I love that you're not afraid of a confrontation.  I know that there are days I try to curb it or correct it, but honestly - it's a rare quality that you are hard wired with.

You are so active and never stop moving, you constantly want to be on the go, or on something with wheels.  You have the funniest laugh - you think it's so funny to yank more teeth out so the tooth fairy has to pay up - you are extremely ticklish - you are talented and very smart.

Your teacher told us that you see things in a very black and white matter - there isn't much room for grey with you.  She'd be right.  You want to be healthy.  You are learning about food groups at school and it's pretty inspiring to hear you talk about health and wellness. 

You are a pretty great big brother.  You are willing to give up your things when Aaron wants them, you are willing to build things with Legos to stop Aaron from playing with your creations and will help Aden think of new ways to do things with his creations.  You are great at playing games - electronic and board games - you love water and will learn to swim this summer! 

I hope you keep your sense of humor and common sense.  I hope you continue to see things as black and white and that you will forever stand up for yourself and tell the world that something is wrong when it is.  I hope you find your niche and outlet early on and that you forever maintain a strong identity. 

Aden turns five

My Aden is FIVE today.  Here is a list of things I know about Aden:

~  You love the color green
~  You have hazel eyes
~  You love cartoons & all things television/movie related
~  You are THRILLED to start Soccer & Baseball in a few weeks!
~  You scream-cry when you're upset or hurt - it scares the b'jesus out of everyone who meets you and hears it for the first time, but when you're ok they end up being ok too.
~  You have your own voice - and know how to use it
~  Speaking of your own voice - it has it's own sound and I hope extracting your adenoids and tonsils doesn't change it.
~  You are definitely Mommy's boy.  You tell me all the time when it's clear that Austin and Aaron are Daddy's boys
~  You know every lyric to One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful chorus
~  You are the first to share or be kind to someone who is struggling or upset
~  Your best friend is Hayden P. - you two are inseparable
~  You are reading sight words, can write and spell your first and last name and understand currency increments (we can thank Austin for that ... he's obsessed with money), you also can count REALLY high - but got bored at 50 when we were seeing how high you could go
~  You have a pair of the most kissable ears
~  Both of your brothers are jealous of you because the kitties love you.  They sleep with you almost every night and won't leave your side anytime you're sitting still.  Austin is constantly telling us that it's not fair and we know that they love you because of how much you love them

Things I remember from the day you were born:

~  Daddy took pictures of the actual csection procedure ... pretty cool
~  I was scared you would be too little
~  I was scared you would be sick all the time
~  The nurse kept refusing to give you to me until Daddy yelled at her
~  I was really, REALLY sick after you were born (Sabrina reminded me of that one)
~  There was a tornado warning the day after you were born and we all got to hang out in the hospital hallway
~  I got a call from the doctor late on March 17th telling me that my platelets had dropped and that we would need to do the csection the next morning.  I didn't want to have 300 people at the hospital, so I asked Sabrina to come sit with Austin during the day while I went to have you so that we could have our own little family time for a few hours before I had to share my family of four with the rest of the world.  I didn't regret keeping it a secret then, I don't regret it now & I will never regret that time that was just for me and you.

What you wanted for your birthday:

~ a trampoline
~ an imaginex castle
~ rescue bots firetruck
~ a trip to build a bear workship

What you're actually getting for your birthday (from Daddy & I):

~ an imaginex castle
~ a rescue bots firetruck
~ a rocket launcher toy for outside (i found that one, your dad was SO jealous and wanted one too)
~ a swimsuit cover up/robe/hooded towel - it's green, don't worry

We love you - you are so proud of you and can't believe that you are getting ready to go to Kindergarten this fall.  It seems unreal to me, but I can tell you're ready.  You went with Daddy to help volunteer at Austin's LEGO club a few weeks ago and couldn't wait to tell me all about it and how excited you were to be there at, "Austin's big school" and that you weren't shy at all. 

I hope you keep your gentle spirit as time passes, that you are able to put others first without being walked all over, that you find a way to express yourself and that you continue to love music as much as I do.  I don't worry about you - at all.  You are a lot like I was at your age and I'm thrilled with the adult that I am now.  I find myself justifying your actions because I can see where your head was when it all happened - you make complete sense to me.

It's not me...it's you.

Breaking up is hard to do ... except when the break up is with you.

It is no secret that we aren't as close as we used to be.  It's no secret that we don't talk anymore, that I don't know you anymore.  It's no surprise that you have no idea why.  You are so self absorbed and always only worried about what you think that I would bet you think we both just got busy.

"We" didn't get busy.  I just stopped doing all of the work that goes into having a real relationship because I realized that you suck.  You have always had these great ambitions and everyone was expected to jump on board with you or face being condemned because they had the audacity to try to hold you back.  Trust me, darling - they weren't trying to hold you back from your dreams, they were trying to hold you back from yourself.  You want to think of yourself as a free spirit - I think of you as a flake. 

You had no interest in being there for me, no interest in being my best friend, no interest in knowing me & growing with me and holding up your end of the bargain and for that reason - I dumped you.  You add nothing to my life, you take and take only to give me a glimmer of hope that you're going to start to pull your own weight, but at the end of the day, you're not - you won't - and you'll never have to.  You'll be lucky enough to find someone else to tow your load, stroke your ego and deal with your bullshit for the next decade & I honestly feel sorry for her.  She doesn't deserve the truckload of shit you're about to ask her to spoon feed herself.  

 For the record, I don't even hate you and aside from an eye roll, I don't give you much of a thought.  Occasionally, I take a trip down memory lane and remember how much of an impact we had on each other's lives.  A solid 80% of my memories from age 16-21 involved you and they were happy, they were fun - they will be forever cherished.  Unfortunately, a MEMORY isn't reason enough for me to try anymore.  I'll think of your face when I hear an anthem that pulls me back to high school & I'll be happy enough to catch up with you at a class reunion in five years.

But not today.  Today you hurt my best friend.  Today you and your carelessness caused her pain and like the rest of us, she has decided that it's not worth addressing with you - she's probably right - it would likely fall on deaf ears.  Today I was reminded why I have been done with you for over a year now.  I can only hope that she figures out it's time that she tells you no to put herself first for ONCE and that she drops you like a used condom on a saturday night.  I did.  It feels GREAT.  Best of luck in the future! 
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