The House of the Half Assed

I live in a house where majority of our projects and lifestyle changes are half assed.  We, as a family, have become quite efficient at shit-shifting our lives.  Do you know what shit-shifting is?  It's when you focus intently on ONE PART of your house/life/career and clear all of the clutter from that ONE spot and it looks nice, but in reality all you did was cluttered up other areas of your life.  So I might shit-shift on my main floor, but rest assured my upstairs and basement is DISGUSTING.  I might shit shift and become better about going to the gym and working out, but then find that my relationships with my kids suffers - or my house falls apart because I get tunnel vision. 

When we toured our house before we bought it, it was immaculate!  Even with whatever amount of clutter existed from two people living there for 50+ years and raising their four children there (who are now grown adults) the home was immaculate.  Every wall white, every nook and cranny cleaned.  Each piece of furniture was a solid 20 years old and it didn't matter because they were still in pristine condition.  Bill & Helen took care of this house.  They loved this house.  The basement had file cabinets lining the walls and they were packed to the brim (yes, i checked - shut it) - they had a strawberry patch in the back yard with a hollow owl to scare away squirrels.  Everything was immaculate.  They could fit two, yes TWO cars in their garage.  at the SAME TIME.

We moved in and basically shat on it.

We brought an 18 month old and a 3 1/2 year old in and then, just for fun added another baby like a year later.  With babies come bottles, pump accessories, dishes, toys, laundry, and chaos.  Before I knew it, my house came to life.  My laundry haunts me like a bad memory that I continue to relive via my dreams.  My pristine 3000 square foot house that literally has 16 rooms if you count the bathrooms has turned on me.

Do you know how AWFUL it is to clean THREE bathrooms?!?!  I do.  I avoid it like a cat avoids a bath.  But GAWD the smell is horrible.  Little boys pee EVERYWHERE and NEVER flush.  I may or may not have looked into the automatic flushing toilette that would eliminate the problem entirely.  They are banished from using MY bathroom but that doesn't fix the pocket bathroom on the main floor and *gulp* their bathroom.

Do you know how much CARPET is in a 3000 square foot house!?  It's STUPID.  My Dyson is about to flip me the bird after I've emptied the canister like three times - and to be clear, I only empty the canister when I hear Tarv yelling at me about it.  Then I make a snarky comment about how if HE is the canister expert he should handle the vacuuming and generally follow with an insult about what a douche he's being.

Any thoughts about how much "better" and "easier" life gets when the boys get older is a wives tale.  Trust me, that theory will hold as much water as a macaroni strainer.  Wanna know what actually happens!?  They get bigger, their clothes get bigger, their appetites get bigger, their brazen behavior gets bigger, their messes get bigger.  What used to take me 10 minutes to pick up myself now is a 45 minute argument with two perfectly capable children about how it's not my mess, it's theirs, and they need to learn responsibility now or they never will.  Followed by me having the worlds biggest internal conflict with myself because they are little kids, and I could just let them be and do it myself and it'd be done right and no one would be fighting.  Then I'm all over the place about which is better - teaching them responsibility if that means spending time arguing with them or letting it go and risking having ridiculous habits to break down the road. 

Austin throws these temper tantrums that are so big, so grand, so angry, littered with negativity and at times curse words - truthfully, I've only seen erratic behavior like that come from one person - me.  Aden would rather watch TV than do ANYTHING, he's convinced that anything else is boring and that he doesn't want to get up, at all, ever, for anyone - I've only seen behavior like THAT from one person - me.  They both leave their crap everywhere - they both never finish what they started working on, they both leave dishes, snack remnants, laundry EVERYWHERE.  Guess who they learned that from.  Yep, me. 

I am having a hard time with this one because I see it & while I'm perfectly content with where I am in my professional career - I'm REALLY struggling.  Not to mention, not everyone can pull off this behavior quite like I can.  Not everyone can pull off a hot temper and seemingly lazy housekeeping skills and survive.  Somewhere along the lines, I learned restraint - truthfully, I have to be pushed PRETTY FLIPPIN FAR to react like austin reacts.  What makes me nervous is that I didn't act that way when I was 7.  I didn't come into that until later on in life - so what happens for him?    Same with Aden - I have always loved TV - and I'm obese.  I don't want that for him.  He is already incredibly susceptible to that for the simple fact that Trav and I are overweight.  I realize I was never SKINNY, and he doesn't seem to have the body type to be SKINNY - but is that really reason enough to write it off?

I haven't mentioned much of Aaron in this post because he's still so young - early predictions say he'll have a temper like Austin me but will be constantly on the go like his father...which, by the way - didn't protect Trav from obesity either.  As a thirty-something adult he is VERY active, struggles with weight because the fact of the matter is, changing your diet is hard.

I'm tired of having things half assed.  I'm tired of being halfway done with everything.  It's not fun.  On the back side of this blog I made some check lists or goals that I'm going to TRY to accomplish in efforts to be a better example for my kids AND maintain a balance while I'm making changes....  Bonus - maybe it'll give me some blogging material for the future!  Here's hoping.

Austin Turns SEVEN

My Austin is Seven Today....here are the things I know about Austin:

~  you love hoodies
~  you love supercross - you will watch old dvr'd races and will wage a war against Aden when he has the audacity to suggest watching a cartoon
~  you are smart.  so smart.  you are such a logical thinker, just like your parents
~  you wont do anything if it doesn't benefit you in some way - you want money, a reward, an outcome that will get you closer to a goal of some sort
~  you are your Daddy's boy - he has you by his side during EVERYTHING because it's literally like a mini version of himself chilling with him
~  you love legos - you build all the time and though you have a hard time letting your creative side come through, you are getting better at it and you enjoy it more and more
~  you need down time.  you need alone time.  you will get really, really overwhelmed and ANGRY if you don't get the time you need when you need it.
~  you start soccer and baseball in a couple weeks and are really excited - daddy and i are excited too!
~  you have my blue eyes - the only one who kept my eye color!
~  your best friends from school are Logan and Owen - your best friends in home life are Sam and Cam - your best friend in family life is Ava - you are planning to marry Stella and I hope you do :) 
~  you get SO excited about going to MN to visit Cass & Jon and the girls!! 
~  you love your grandparents and have an amazing relationship with your Grandma Jane - it's crazy to watch you two connect so well
~  you sing a lot to the radio
~  you ask if words are bad words all the time (sexy, stupid etc)
~  you curse when you're mad - you called your friend a bitch two days ago & got in more trouble for lying to me about actually saying it ... dont lie to your mom, man...
~  you are into whatever your dad is into - currently rollerhockey! 

What I remember about the day you were born:

~  I was nervous and SO excited at the same time
~  I went to the doctor the morning of the 27th because I was having pretty bad back pains and they said my blood pressure was pretty high so they would just send me over to the hospital and induce me the next morning
~  I hated pitocin.  your wife will too.
~  I loved the doctor who gave me the epidural - he was nice and kind and considerate
~  I was terrified when Dr Osborn told me I wasn't dilating - a c-section wasn't even something I researched let alone something I wanted to have
~  I was being wheeled to the operating room and my parents were there and I was so sad because i felt like your dad's parents would be upset and because I wanted time to just have my family of three - all by myself.

What you wanted for your birthday:

~  a trampoline
~  rollerblades
~  lego gold mine edition
~  bey blades

What you got for your birthday:

~  roller blades (they were really expensive and you got them early because your grandparents bought you accessories/pads/helmet for them and we didn't want them to give it away - you haven't stopped wearing them ALL over the house, you're ruining my carpet and I don't even care)
~  a swimsuit cover / hooded towel type thing

I love you, I love your personality.  I love that you call people (even your dad and I) out on our bullshit.  I love that you're not afraid of a confrontation.  I know that there are days I try to curb it or correct it, but honestly - it's a rare quality that you are hard wired with.

You are so active and never stop moving, you constantly want to be on the go, or on something with wheels.  You have the funniest laugh - you think it's so funny to yank more teeth out so the tooth fairy has to pay up - you are extremely ticklish - you are talented and very smart.

Your teacher told us that you see things in a very black and white matter - there isn't much room for grey with you.  She'd be right.  You want to be healthy.  You are learning about food groups at school and it's pretty inspiring to hear you talk about health and wellness. 

You are a pretty great big brother.  You are willing to give up your things when Aaron wants them, you are willing to build things with Legos to stop Aaron from playing with your creations and will help Aden think of new ways to do things with his creations.  You are great at playing games - electronic and board games - you love water and will learn to swim this summer! 

I hope you keep your sense of humor and common sense.  I hope you continue to see things as black and white and that you will forever stand up for yourself and tell the world that something is wrong when it is.  I hope you find your niche and outlet early on and that you forever maintain a strong identity. 

Aden turns five

My Aden is FIVE today.  Here is a list of things I know about Aden:

~  You love the color green
~  You have hazel eyes
~  You love cartoons & all things television/movie related
~  You are THRILLED to start Soccer & Baseball in a few weeks!
~  You scream-cry when you're upset or hurt - it scares the b'jesus out of everyone who meets you and hears it for the first time, but when you're ok they end up being ok too.
~  You have your own voice - and know how to use it
~  Speaking of your own voice - it has it's own sound and I hope extracting your adenoids and tonsils doesn't change it.
~  You are definitely Mommy's boy.  You tell me all the time when it's clear that Austin and Aaron are Daddy's boys
~  You know every lyric to One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful chorus
~  You are the first to share or be kind to someone who is struggling or upset
~  Your best friend is Hayden P. - you two are inseparable
~  You are reading sight words, can write and spell your first and last name and understand currency increments (we can thank Austin for that ... he's obsessed with money), you also can count REALLY high - but got bored at 50 when we were seeing how high you could go
~  You have a pair of the most kissable ears
~  Both of your brothers are jealous of you because the kitties love you.  They sleep with you almost every night and won't leave your side anytime you're sitting still.  Austin is constantly telling us that it's not fair and we know that they love you because of how much you love them

Things I remember from the day you were born:

~  Daddy took pictures of the actual csection procedure ... pretty cool
~  I was scared you would be too little
~  I was scared you would be sick all the time
~  The nurse kept refusing to give you to me until Daddy yelled at her
~  I was really, REALLY sick after you were born (Sabrina reminded me of that one)
~  There was a tornado warning the day after you were born and we all got to hang out in the hospital hallway
~  I got a call from the doctor late on March 17th telling me that my platelets had dropped and that we would need to do the csection the next morning.  I didn't want to have 300 people at the hospital, so I asked Sabrina to come sit with Austin during the day while I went to have you so that we could have our own little family time for a few hours before I had to share my family of four with the rest of the world.  I didn't regret keeping it a secret then, I don't regret it now & I will never regret that time that was just for me and you.

What you wanted for your birthday:

~ a trampoline
~ an imaginex castle
~ rescue bots firetruck
~ a trip to build a bear workship

What you're actually getting for your birthday (from Daddy & I):

~ an imaginex castle
~ a rescue bots firetruck
~ a rocket launcher toy for outside (i found that one, your dad was SO jealous and wanted one too)
~ a swimsuit cover up/robe/hooded towel - it's green, don't worry

We love you - you are so proud of you and can't believe that you are getting ready to go to Kindergarten this fall.  It seems unreal to me, but I can tell you're ready.  You went with Daddy to help volunteer at Austin's LEGO club a few weeks ago and couldn't wait to tell me all about it and how excited you were to be there at, "Austin's big school" and that you weren't shy at all. 

I hope you keep your gentle spirit as time passes, that you are able to put others first without being walked all over, that you find a way to express yourself and that you continue to love music as much as I do.  I don't worry about you - at all.  You are a lot like I was at your age and I'm thrilled with the adult that I am now.  I find myself justifying your actions because I can see where your head was when it all happened - you make complete sense to me.

It's not me...it's you.

Breaking up is hard to do ... except when the break up is with you.

It is no secret that we aren't as close as we used to be.  It's no secret that we don't talk anymore, that I don't know you anymore.  It's no surprise that you have no idea why.  You are so self absorbed and always only worried about what you think that I would bet you think we both just got busy.

"We" didn't get busy.  I just stopped doing all of the work that goes into having a real relationship because I realized that you suck.  You have always had these great ambitions and everyone was expected to jump on board with you or face being condemned because they had the audacity to try to hold you back.  Trust me, darling - they weren't trying to hold you back from your dreams, they were trying to hold you back from yourself.  You want to think of yourself as a free spirit - I think of you as a flake. 

You had no interest in being there for me, no interest in being my best friend, no interest in knowing me & growing with me and holding up your end of the bargain and for that reason - I dumped you.  You add nothing to my life, you take and take only to give me a glimmer of hope that you're going to start to pull your own weight, but at the end of the day, you're not - you won't - and you'll never have to.  You'll be lucky enough to find someone else to tow your load, stroke your ego and deal with your bullshit for the next decade & I honestly feel sorry for her.  She doesn't deserve the truckload of shit you're about to ask her to spoon feed herself.  

 For the record, I don't even hate you and aside from an eye roll, I don't give you much of a thought.  Occasionally, I take a trip down memory lane and remember how much of an impact we had on each other's lives.  A solid 80% of my memories from age 16-21 involved you and they were happy, they were fun - they will be forever cherished.  Unfortunately, a MEMORY isn't reason enough for me to try anymore.  I'll think of your face when I hear an anthem that pulls me back to high school & I'll be happy enough to catch up with you at a class reunion in five years.

But not today.  Today you hurt my best friend.  Today you and your carelessness caused her pain and like the rest of us, she has decided that it's not worth addressing with you - she's probably right - it would likely fall on deaf ears.  Today I was reminded why I have been done with you for over a year now.  I can only hope that she figures out it's time that she tells you no to put herself first for ONCE and that she drops you like a used condom on a saturday night.  I did.  It feels GREAT.  Best of luck in the future! 
------------------------------------------------------

SWW

my bestie snarked at me for not blogging and i told her i wasn't inspired, but alas, it's wednesday and I will steal her so what wednesday....

~so what if we just had conferences with our eldest's teacher and it was amazing
~so what if she said that she struggles with him because he sees things as black and white - and doesn't bother to mess with them if he can't get all the way through them - he might be a little like his mom - the world could use a little less gray
~so what if i'm really mad at my employees this week and we're having a staff meeting tomorrow and i'll be HOT if any of them don't show up
~so what if I went out and removed snow with my hubby the last two days because I would rather shovel than go to the gym
~so what if i ate tasty tacos after tonight's "workout" and put back on whatever calories i took off
~so what if i straight up pissed my pants last night....like i was all, "oh i have to pee..." went to stand up and WHAMMO - urine was pouring out of me like my water broke - shit! 
~so what if going to the dr isn't an option because i dont have health insurance and i'm taking an old person's approach by just drinking more water
~so what if i turned down a drug company on friday to be a part of their test group and actually told her that i can't trade clear skin for cancer
~so what if she didn't correct me (because she can't, because it's in the trial phases and they can't prove that it DOESN'T or COULDN'T cause cancer) and just said that she understood....!!!!
~so what if i spent too much money ordering from Lane Bryant - being mad at the size 10 models didn't stop me from dropping a few hundies on some new clothes
~so what if i'm SO.STINKIN.EXCITED. for my date night on Friday night.  so stinkin excited.  who knows, with the new wardrobe, we may not even make it outta the house....oh i know, that's silly, of course we'll make it out of the house, there are KIDS in the house - maybe i would be better off to say that we might not make it TO wherever we're going :)
~so what.

Image

as my waistband has expanded over the years my taste in clothing has moved with it.  gravity has taken it's toll on my never-a-single-digit-sized body and i feel like for the most part i have transitioned with a certain amount of grace.

i have been a lane bryant customer for the past decadeish and loved them.  why? because it felt like they were making clothes to fit me & by body style - not making clothes for someone who has no boobs, no hips and wears a size 4 and then patching in fabric in a coat-of-many-colors type way.  i loved when they moved to the Real Women movement.  giving women a sense that THIS is how a woman should look - she should have curves, she should have no reason to apologize for her appearance, she should embrace it, she should be confident and she DOES look fabulous.

lately lane bryant has made me crabby.  have you seen some of their models? 



right.  i'm looking at her and thinking she is beautiful...but she is not a size 12-28



or her.

i know that they believe they are using appropriate sized models - they have told me.  not kidding.  i emailed them a few years ago telling them that their models were becoming less and less like real women.  they protested assuring me that all of their models are size 12-28 ... i think they can get away with 12 because they sell size 12 underwear.  nevertheless, seeing models like THIS makes me flashback to the days of feeling like my size is an accident.  my size is ok - because they sell it - but i should be apologizing for it. 

i realize not every one of their models is like these girls - have you seen their jeans?  they REQUIRE an incredibly curvy figure (which i dont have that, either) - so since i was not born with child bearing hips and i don't fit into their 'just my size' box ... i really struggle to find jeans there, and i WANT to find jeans there.  the reward program is great and no one wants to have to leave to look for another place to shop just to buy their jeans.



note the taper leg - i know it's in style now and i know they really want you to believe this is for sure the way to go - i just can't do it.  when i look at this picture i see this ginormus ass - like HUGE - and i'd bet it's not even that big, but with the bedazzling and the stilettos and tucked in shirt i can't get past it.

LUCKY for me, they developed the Just For You program where you can tell it how much you love and hate their pants that they pick - so me?  i hated every single tapered leg anything (for me, not for you, you can love and hate your own things) and i hated the jeans that have a CRAZY high waist ... and whammo, i got jeans that look like something i would try, buy and love.






so while you'll never catch me with my shirt tucked in, this jean looks more like something i would find in my dresser right now.

so at the end of the day - will i still shop there?  yup.  do i think the models are getting ridiculous?  i sure do.

Math 101

numbers are tricky.  sometimes you add...sometimes you subtract...sometimes there is a minus in front of the total.  wait.  what?!

so for those of you who don't know - my family is not rich.  once upon a time i was all, "i could do this job and make money!"  and my bffbp (best friend forever business partner) was all, "totally!" and we were established.  we aren't a publicly traded company and she and i are 50/50 owners, so i dont have to disclose numbers, but i feel like since money is what i DO for the business, i should give a lesson for those who are confused by it.

how to do a budget:

1)  have a job or income source & know how much you ACTUALLY take home
2)  subtract your fixed expenses
3)  subtract your variable expenses
4)  look at the remaining number RIGHT THEN.  if there is a MINUS sign in front of the number, OR your calculator gives you a confused look/sad face OR if an emoticon pops up on your screen with a ROTFL guy who can't complete a sentence because he is laughing at your stupid ass SO HARD -- you need to go back and reassess the situation.

i know, i know.  there are times when your income source isn't always the same - i get that.  i'm self employed, so yeah, i totally get that!  money in can change from time to time...it really does...here are some ways to know when your money/cash flow MIGHT change:

1)  you called in sick & missed work
2)  you came into work late & missed work
3)  you took a long lunch & missed work
4)  you had something horrible happen & missed work
5)  you pretended something horrible was happening so you could leave & missed work
6)  you had a sick child & missed work
7)  you pretended you had a sick child & missed work
8)  you scheduled an appointment during your normal shift & HAD to go, so you missed work
9)  you have a class that you're behind in & the only way you can possibly catch up between rightthissecond & the due date of the homework (that has already passed) is to leave work rightnow so you can work on school related things (and update your facebook status perodically for good measure) & you miss work
10) any other instance - both real and fake - that would cause you to MISS WORK

this is because when you GO TO WORK, you make money. 

SO - if you are looking at your finances & wondering who FICA is and why they are taking all of your money consider that maybe ... just maybe ... it's less about FICA & more about you.  consider that there is a possibility that when your finances reflect a sad, sad, saaaaadddd situation for yourself - you should work more.  like, as many hours as you can sneak in without your boss realizing it and actually going into overtime (if they are smart, they'll notice on like wednesday morning that you're going to hit overtime, but if they don't - shush - work the overtime and get paid 50% more for doing the exact same job that you are willing to do for your normal pay rate).

i predict that doing this will result in a surpluss after the bills are paid!  in that instance, yay for you.

disclaimer:  having a surplus will make you FEEL like you have money & like you don't need to go to work.  that.is.stupid.  those are the same people who get their tax return and quit their job because suddenly there is money in your checking account.  don't be stupid.  keep going to work.  keep working the hours.  if you can't possibly drag your ass to work because you're miserable, not stimulated, underpaid, under-appreciated, etc - update your resume & find a new job where they will think you're fabulous until you have raced through the above-referenced list three or four times. and i'm sure you will.  because you suck.